Thinking of you, Mom

Today is the 3rd anniversary of when you left your physical body to live in the bliss of your spiritual self. Three years, I can't believe I am sitting here saying the words to myself.

Lots of things have happened in the past 3 years, and yet I find myself marking time by July 9, 2007. It's strange how we edit our lives and milestones and arrange counting of events. For example, I know that Grandma is 83 years old this month...because she turned 80 and her party was exactly one week after your funeral. It's been 3 years since I finished my bachelor's degree...because that was the last day of my last class when Theresa called me and time stood still. Three years since I knew for certain that I hate police scanners, well, because that's how your mother found out that her daughter had died. Darryl is 32 years old this year, now that was a hard one for me, back in 2007, when your baby turned 30. I think I was more emotional about it than he was. The first of many milestones that we felt you'd be missing in our lives.

For, our Mom's are supposed to always be there. We take you for granted, knowing you're always there. And then you checked out and left us all alone in this world. This sounds so melodramatic, and so be it. Lots of emotions, discoveries, epiphanies, realizations, and more have passed through me and others by the mere experience of each new day, but with more emphasis as we all get used to you "not being there".

As you well know, I am fully aware that you "ARE THERE" for us and around us. All of us. I feel you and your love and presence in many ways that I was blind to prior to your transition. What a gift for us to be able to realize how blessed we truly are each and every day. A gift that many of us continue to ignore and/or neglect.

I know that you have helped me and countless others from "the other side" and I want to tell you that I appreciate your presence. I appreciate your sense of humor. I appreciate that you helped me with the first 43 years of my life, and taught me more things than I could possibly give you due credit for. For example, I had fun canning peach jam this week with Tina...and during that and each time I put up jars in canning, it reminds me so much of the times we canned together, or when you did all the work when we were too little to help. And let me tell the world, you canned a LOT of jars each year! Each time I use the peeling knife I got from your stash, it makes me think of you. Christopher remembers you in his prayers each night. From time to time he tells me that he misses you and wishes he could go visit you. I tell him he can talk to you anytime, anywhere. He likes that.

The family has gone through changes in the past 3 years, many in ways I could never have predicted. Some changes are better, some were unexpected and difficult, and some continue to surprise me. The difference now is that I am not scared of how any of that will play out anymore. "Que sera, sera" Which also reminds me of you...the kiddie records you'd stack up and play for us when were little. That was one of my favorite songs. I was very excited to hear a newer version of it a couple of years ago, by a band called Pink Martini. Very beautiful rendition.

Two weeks ago I ran over a large frog as I drove home. It was unintentional, but darn it, when it rains, the frogs just come hopping out like crazy critters! Then, the thought occurred to me that perhaps you wanted a frog to play with, so this one chose me to run over it and send it your way. Brought a feeling of comfort and a smile to me.

I think I have changed a lot in the past 3 years also, due to many circumstances, but the most pivotal one being "your day" of July 9th. Weird things have happened, and, of course, not much of what we had planned has worked out according to plan. But, it's okay. The feelings of comfort and content in knowing that the present and future are all okay is what keeps me going. I'm sure that you play a role in helping me and anyone else who is open to your energy, to make it to the next step on a daily basis.

So, I want to thank you for this day, and for the many more to come. This may have sounded like a rambling, for I have to be honest, there is a lot more on my mind, but suffice it to say that I appreciate and love you, and am glad that you are my Mom. I'm glad we had the time we did, and I look forward to continuing our relationship.