A small window into how a big country family handles death. It's the hardest thing I've had to deal with yet.

So, Mom passed in July 2007. I know she's all around me, but I miss talking to her on the phone. I want back the option to see her in person when I go home to visit. I have lots of memories and plenty of people who loved her who will talk about stories and favorite memories. So, what's missing? My siblings, the brothers and sisters, those I lived with when growing up. There are ten of us, 5 boys, 5 girls, I am the oldest. Mom died, the family fell apart. We swore we'd "never do that" but yet here we are. Some have cut off all forms of communication with no explanation. Anger and bitterness, sadness and depression to spare. Gone are the opportunities in the first year following the death of a loved one where we can exchange beautiful memories and laugh and cry together, for it was stolen by the anger and bitterness. Perhaps those who acted and continue to act out in this way truly "can't help it" but then they are protected by some of the others in the pack of 10. This pack, which comes with spouses and lots of children in each of the 10 families.

There are the ones who want to move things along, for didn't we appoint a friend of Mom's to act as her executor? Thank goodness Grandma no longer had to deal with the ignorance that has dominated this process from the very first day of "finding out" all the way to today. But, surely, the family can see how the obviously ineffective communication, and LACK of communication has led us to this place of frustration. And now as the witching hour descends upon us, those who are in denial and refuse to cooperate on any level are being pressured to cooperate so the situation does not escalate into a court situation. It never needs to go to court, it should have been able to be handled months ago. For those that don't agree that an estate must be handled within months, because "it's too soon" or "I'm not ready" or "he's/she's just not ready yet" or "they just can't handle it right now"....well, let me inform you ALL that when there are TEN of you, that option does NOT EXIST!!! As much as I love my Mother, I know that we have to move forward with her wishes.

Even though that means her house and her things will no longer exist as we all remember them. They won't be in the same places. They will be moved to various houses. The next time I go back to my home in down county, it won't be the home I grew up in any longer. That hurts my heart, and I can understand how those who chose to stay in the county would be the most resistent. Those of us who moved away from the county obviously have had a different experience with this sad passing of Mom and the inevitable handling of her things. I did not just say it was "easier" to handle, now did I? It may be different, but it is assuredly NOT easier.

So a division between the dedicated ones who stayed versus the ones who moved away. Dividing line between those who use email and those who don't. Dividing line between those who "appear" to be handling things and those who just cannot contain how angry, bitter or hurt they may be feeling. Now, a dividing line between anyone who expresses a valid argument with those who just don't want to discuss ANYTHING about it. Leave it alone and it will just go away.

But, don't forget: the witching hour!!! It is upon us. I tried for months in a gentle and nurturing way to try to pull us all together. Asked for a few things to get started on, such as scanning photos so we can all have something that just cannot be equally divided into 10 parts. Sure, you can divide over 10K pictures into 10 piles, but wtf! That's not the right thing to do, we all know that. So, one person holds onto the pictures and tells no one, it's a secret, all a secret. What is done with the pictures, why they are held at one place and unavailable for anyone else, why they can't be split up to be scanned by several people. The intentions by me were very clear. They were rejected over and over again. Thus, the situation inevitably escalates, and now involves EVERYONE. And, everyone has an opinion. Didn't have opinions months ago. But, the witching hour is upon us, and many of the 10 are getting nervous, scared, don't know what to do. Don't know what to do with the bumps in the road that have now become unpassable obstacles. But, it needs to be resolved.

So, another out of towner sibling makes a 2nd visit to help sort thru the "things", a job that has to be done. The scared feelings are now up front and raging by many. Most have no idea how to handle these emotions, and so revert to the plan we all know so well: attack. Beat up the perpetrator. Oh, yes, she's a sister, not a perpetrator. But, she's moving Mom's things! She's pushing us along. And then the other one, me, well, she's just doing it all wrong. Why does she ever call? Why does she ever have to KEEP bringing it up? Why can't she just figure it out that WE DON'T WANT TO DEAL WITH REALITY. We just don't want to laugh and talk about the good times. We can't handle remembering the beautiful woman Mom was, how dedicated she was to her family, how she just wanted us all to get along and be happy in life.

AND: She wanted us to have FUN ** imagine that, FUN! ** when we went through, these are her words, "when you go thru the house, you will probably find lots of little treasures that you will be glad you got to share and have." And, I can tell you, from spending 3 weeks going through her papers, that was an understatement! Thank you, Mom! But here we are, NOT having fun, not laughing, not sharing memories, just the crankiness that comes from fear and the unwillingness to be open to the possibilities.

The solution?

I will move myself and my immediate family along. I can't handle the negativity anymore. I will not spend anymore energy trying to "fix" that which I am no longer welcome to discuss with the majority of the 10. I can only be thankful for the few that kept their arms open and could see things for how they really are and were, and who did not brutally, or passively, reject any efforts by me and others to "do the right thing". Those who can see would recognize how much it hurts to say goodbye, AND realize that I feel it, too. On some levels, perhaps more than others.

But then, I believe in the afterlife, and I believe spirits can communicate with us if we are but open to that experience, as well. It's a beautiful thing, and I communicate with Mom and others all the time.

And life goes on, and my headache is now over.