In Memory of Mom

I didn't post on July 9th this year, perhaps it was just too emotional, and emotional for the "anniversary", but also because a friend of 30 years had just stayed at my house for 2 weeks, Mike had just left the previous week for his new job, and the movers were about to come and pack our house in just a few short days, and I was in the middle of a terrible finance class. But on this day of days, I did talk to several close friends and family, one sister the day before as she would be out of touch the next day, and it was also a rather loaded day of "chores" for some reason. First of all, I didn't want to go to school that night, and had planned to use the one allowable "miss" for a course for that night. That didn't work out, as Mike had surgery on June 11th, and I had to miss that night instead. Oh, well, you do what you gotta do. After all is said and done, though, even though I knew I had to go to class that night, I think the weeks leading up the the 1 year anniversary of my Mother's death was more traumatic than the actual day. In fact, "her day" was full of activity and surprises. Instead of being sad, I was more thankful for "all the little things" -- which is more like how she would have preferred it.

Don't you hate it when people decide how those that have gone before us "would have liked it" or "would have done it" and so on?! ;) But, I know that Mom would choose to have fun than be annoyed any day of the week, and she only wanted the best for all of us, so there it is.

Woke up early to take Chris to his play appointment that was temporarily moved to 8:30 AM. Don't want to be late, as he really loves to play with Yvonne on these dates. Reached over to grab a washcloth from the basket of towels next to our garden tub, only to notice there was "something" in the tub! Something dark and large. Ok.... that was different and unexpected. Here's what we saw:

Now, here's the thing, and it's a little hard to see from here, but this little guy is at least 15" or 17" long, from nose to end of tail, his body alone was 6". He's the BIGGEST gecko/lizzard we've ever seen in our back yard, front yard, ever since we arrived in NM in 1993, and believe me, we have a LOT that live in the rocks in our yards, enough that we see several every single day (probably oftentimes the same ones, just multiple sightings as they scurry to and fro looking for food)! And, we've NEVER had one in our house. Most of the geckos here are much smaller, usually less than 10" long, many of them much smaller as they are babies or just young. We had a lot of 2" ones this summer, in fact. In all our time here, we've never had one venture into our home, probably because of the dogs we've always had inside, even though we often have left our doors open so the dogs could come and go at will. What TIMING for this fella to be in our house, and captive in our tub on this particular day!

Well, we had to leave, didn't have time to relocate him back outside, or we'd be late for our play date appt. So, we gave him a little water in the tub in case he was thirsty, and we left. Upon our return, I got a cool whip tub and piece of cardboard and carefully got him in the tub to put him outside. Chris was very involved in this rescue, and instructed me to make sure we let him go and not get him hurt, and please can we put him in my sandbox? So, we did. And amazingly, after we let him go, he just sat there in the sandbox and didn't move! Didn't scurry off, didn't run and hide, didn't shake, nothing! Just sat there looking at us for what seemed like the longest time. Finally, I told Chris to stand still, so I could go get my camera...and of course he moved in closer once I was out of sight. Not a problem, the 2nd picture just wasn't meant to be, but I'm still amazed by our little visitor.

And, I do know it was a sign/message from Mom. The timing and size and behavior were so blatantly out of "the norm" that it couldn't be anyone else. The date, this date I so dreaded in coming, and here it was with surprises! Thanks, Mom!

As for my class: it was the last night of this course. I had a babysitter, so Chris was taken care of and enjoying playing with Kyleigh. On the last night of a course, our study groups have to each give a presentation. Well, our paper was done, but the presentation had problems. It was a finance class, a horrid class, and long story short, it was the worst presentation I've ever shared in for over 35 or more classes at this school. I had asked Mom earlier in the day, if you have any way to help, please help me make it thru this class tonight. Well, the weirdest thing happened. One of the guys in my group had been out of touch, which is part of the reason it the presentation wasn't fully ready. His email said, "sorry, I've been in the hospital". Neither he nor the other guy in my group could miss a class, like my situation, so he HAD to go to class. He showed up, on morphine, and hosptial band around his wrist. The other guy sent an email saying, "something's wrong, the docs think I have appendicitis, they are going to run tests this afternoon, I may be late for class". Our group looked SO BAD, both the guys were so sick, that the other groups did not pass judgment, the teacher gave us an extra day to "fix" our problem finance tables, and the night was over. In all my classes, this has never happened! If I had to bet on how this presentation would "be saved" I would not have been able to even make up this kind of a story. Thanks, Mom!

On this day I did try to text (with one of my favorite pictures) or call or contact as many of my other 9 siblings who all shared the same Mom, and had very limited success, and even then, it was late in the day. To talk about it here may seem rude or inappropriate, but perhaps not. Not to go into so many details, but it was brought to my attention that "well, I think everyone is just handling this day in their own private ways". Perhaps I am wrong in every possible way in my life, but then I know this is not true, I am right "for me". The truth is, we are all dealing with life in the ways we need to. I was just unprepared and unaccepting of how our family of siblings have not stuck together in the ways that I had always imagined for when these days would descend upon us. Which they did last July. And now a year has passed, and things are still changing and evolving, but not in any possible way that I had imagined, again. Makes me want to play that song, re-made by a band called Pink Martini: Que Sera, Que Sera.

I always knew we would all work together, laugh together, cry together, and remember Mom in all the positive ways in which she impacted our lives. I could look at it as this opportunity was stolen from me, but instead I have shifted my outlook on pretty much "everything as I know it". My focus is always on my immediate family, to take care of my son and husband, any other children that may come our way, our pets, our plants. I will love and respect our other, extended family and our friends, and will share the moments we have as they come, but with no preconceived expectations. Of course, I do know those I can trust to "let in" and those who have shown me that they need lots more space, sometimes more than I previously knew, or who just want their own space. Or those who can't handle or are uninterested in being around my emotional or intense makeup, which is something that I come with, and frankly, that's okay, too. It's ALL okay.

In moving to the east coast, it was not an automatic or easy decision, as we had planted many roots in NM, and many of them were healthy and good ones. But, in coming here, to Virginia, we know it is a great decision at this time. And, as an extension of that, we know that our return to this area is not only a shift for us, but also for friends and family that have stayed here all along while we were more than 2,000 miles away. I really wanted to move closer to family to be able to spend more quality time with my Mother, and of course everyone else, but mostly for her. I knew she did not have the best of health, I knew she probably would not live as long as her Mother or Grandmothers before her, but I was honestly not prepared to let her go before we could get back, not at the age of 63! That was just not fair, she was too young, I wasn't ready. I'm sure none of us were. Well, Mike & I had been talking about how and when and where to move, so we'd be within driving distance in a day to St. Mary's. I didn't even get a chance to tell her that we were moving back east before she died. Imagine my surprise the week after the funeral when Mrs. Stone, who saw her weekly at her home for Catholic communion, told me that she knew, for she's the one who told Mrs. Stone! Hmmmm..... I had only told two people in St. Mary's, only two, and one was by accident. Oh, well. Maybe she just knew from her intuition.

Also in moving here, I found myself reaching for the phone to call her and tell her we are here! Damn. Most days I can remember with a smile and warm feeling in my heart, and not with tears. Those times that "you forget" for a second, those are the hardest. I haven't taken the trek to St. Mary's yet, don't really know when that will be. Mostly because of logistics, we have a few things to do here, like find another more permanent place to move into and then actually do the moving. However, when the time is right, we will make the trip. We will visit her house, which just this past month ceased to be "her" house, how odd that concept is. We will visit her gravesite and leave moisture. We will hopefully see family and friends, and with that, make another step forward in the healing process. Maybe "we" won't, but I will.

It doesn't matter, nothing outside the present moment really matters. I go back to my default of only living as the best person I can be, and then whatever happens I will have no regrets. Life will be the best it can be, every moment, because we are giving it our best.

And I choose to go to the place of remembering Mom in knowing that her favorite thing to do was tell a good joke and laugh, or listen to a good joke, or listen to her favorite music, or talk to people to see what was going on. I consciously choose to forget any regrets I have of the times in her life when she was frustrated or sad or angry, as those days are gone. The only thing I hold to my heart are her joyful memories.

In memory of you, Mom. Today and all days. I miss you, I love you more.